The Gray Area of Asexuality – Cora

Sexuality’s gray area.

I’ve never been comfortable defining myself as demisexual to other people. I think it may be partially because the definition is such a gray area. Constantly I am questioning if I am actually demisexual or if I am just looking to define myself as something different because I am so picky when it comes to dating. Just as I was starting to think that I was just a weird one and not on the scale at all, I realized that there is no black and white definition of demisexual.

The word “many” is vital because, much like sexuality as a whole, not all those who define themselves as demisexual describe themselves exactly the same. The main similarity is the focus on secondary sexual attraction over primary sexual attraction. According to The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Decker, the primary sexual attraction is defined as an attraction that is based on “looks or voice or chemistry or charisma,” where secondary sexual attraction is defined as “more gradual.” It is a sexual attraction that comes about only after “ an emotional bond is formed. This can be something that occurs simultaneously, or one may feel primary sexual attraction followed by secondary. However, for someone who would consider themselves demisexual, there often is no primary sexual attraction.

When I see someone for the first time, I may initially think that person is attractive but there is no sexual attraction. I don’t know that person. Why would I feel sexual desire for them? I thought that was how everyone felt until I learned that my friends often felt sexual desire based on primary attraction.

Demisexuality is one area on the asexuality spectrum that is overlooked because of its vague, loose definition. In Let Them Eat Cake: On Being Demisexual, Cara Liebowitz argues, “people don’t have sex unless an emotional bond is connected.” She states that by this standard, one-night stands would not exist. There are plenty of situations that call for leading with primary sexual attraction rather than secondary.

In Getting Familiar with the Sexual Spectrum, Bri Griffith of Carlow University, explains that while someone who is not on the asexual spectrum may feel sexual attractions to those they find attractive, whether the person is a classmate, a coworker, or a stranger, someone on the spectrum may develop a sexual attraction after forming that emotional bond. Even then, they may choose to have sex or they may still not have an interest in it. Because it is a spectrum, it is hard to pin down a definite definition as everyone experiences it slightly differently.